Writing

It is frustrating to have a gazillion things swimming in my mind yet nothing comes as I sit here staring blankly at the computer screen on a Tuesday night, the day of the week that I set for myself to churn out something here every week

It is discipline, I have to admit, driven by a passion that wouldn’t have been discovered if not for this blog

Perhaps once a week is too little
Perhaps I should be writing more
But finding time to write has always been a challenge while mothering 2 kids

5 years ago, I wrote a monologue
and it is amazing how it stays relevant to me till today

The unspoken truth is that this blog started off as a space for me to defend, express and justify my choice to give up my job and stay at home

I know, it’s absurd and pathetic
Especially when the choice had been crystal clear to me since Day 1
That no one, not any organisation, deserved me more than my family, my children

Why was there even a doubt ?
Why was there even a need to defend ?

Yet societal expectation and judgement proved to be more powerful and detrimental than anything
I couldn’t escape the confusion and the self doubt

Perhaps the biggest culprit for this inner turmoil could be a deeply rooted insecurity that longed for approval

‘Aren’t you wasting your education?’
‘After all the education that you had gone through, you are choosing what I did 30 years ago, without an education?’

And these questions don’t just come from a generation of uneducated elders but from those who can read, write and are supposedly educated

And it makes me wonder what has education done for us

It seems to me that it has prepared us too well to do the country’s bidding
To fill in the digits, to run the rat race
To do what we were trained for, a lifetime of slogging

How good it is to measure one’s worth by the tangible and the material
And belittle and nullify whatever that is unquantifiable

If education is truly just the learning of how to think
that would have been devastating and disappointing for many, the uneducated and the ‘educated’

I wouldn’t have been so bothered
if not for yet another smart young lady who seems confused and entrapped by her mother’s expectation
and thinks that she should be doing something more with her education and skills other than staying home to take care of her own children

Someone said ‘You should work so that you won’t lose touch with the world and society’
I’ll say ‘Losing touch with the world and society is not as scary as losing touch with yourself’

And I am glad I started writing

 

P/s : This post is inspired by stories of local mothers who write about why they blog, why they became Full Time Working Mum and Stay At Home Mum

 

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4 comments

  1. San says:

    Blogging-block happens to us all the time. I sit and stare, and when nothing immediately comes to mind, or things that I think are too mundane to pen down, I quickly turn my attention to, yes, other more pressing things.

    I love the way you write, and I agree. Losing touch with yourself is scarier than not knowing what is going on in the world politics or the “in” thing in fashion. Most important, is to do things to make YOU happy. I always believe regardless of the choices we make (FTWM, SAHM, PTWM etc…) a happy woman makes a happy mother. 🙂

    • malmal says:

      hey San, thanks ! the problem is, there is always more pressing things, like tending to the kids, catch up on zzzz, clear up the dishes, the list goes on…and inspiration comes and goes, by the time I am free to write, I just sit and stare. haha … it’s frustrating. I think I just need more practice, and knowing a group of like minded moms who write does help 🙂

  2. Maddie says:

    “who thinks that she should be doing something more with her education and skills other than staying home to take care of her own children” – this struck a chord with me, thanks for sharing! And yes, i think not only being a mother, the very fact that being married, having another person in ur life, sometimes affects ur decisions n soul-searching time~

    • malmal says:

      hey Maddie, thanks for leaving a note. Being a mom has been the most humbling experience and I think we just have to stop second guessing our decision and learn to trust our instinct.

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